The Dating Game.

I’ve had boyfriends on and off since my teens and whilst my friends have met and married incredible guys, I’m very much still single. I don’t say this to inspire pity, in fact, I’m probably the happiest I’ve ever been. However, I wanted to conclude this series on self-love by exploring the topic of dating because I know it’s something that many single women think about. 

If I’m brutally honest, my singleness is very much my own fault. I am hopelessly romantic thanks to early exposure to ‘Pride and Prejudice’, Mr Darcy (Colin Firth) was my first crush! I love meeting intense, deep, creative men and most of the guys I have dated have been musicians, artists, singers or writers. Following my feelings, getting swept into epic, crazy, impossible relationships without common-sense to anchor me has created less than ideal situations. The fall out of all these broken relationships has cost me years in recovery and years of unnecessary pain. 

Most of us when investing in a product will read reviews, consider the options and look at the benefits before purchasing. With dating, feelings can overtake the practicalities and it may be terribly staid or unromantic to think about someone as if they were an investment but if we are choosing to let someone into our life then it’s a big deal. It needs firm, sensible consideration. Feelings have told me time and time again ‘this is it’ and it’s been a terrible process discovering later on that I was wrong. When it comes to dating, we need to operate with both our hearts and our heads.

"When it comes to dating, we need to operate with both our hearts and our heads.”

Our ability to self-love can often be reflected in the relationships we choose. I’m yet to meet an emotionally-healthy woman who surrounds herself with people who live an unstable lifestyle. I placed a lot of emphasis on the types of men I dated but rarely did I take things slow, rarely did I stop and think about their suitability, whether they were kind and caring. If I thought they were good-looking, charismatic or gifted, that was what mattered. These men were often an accessory to endorse my desirability and attractiveness, I wanted them to fix me, to fill the gap in my heart. I found myself frustrated none of them seemed to do this.

The truth is, dating can be the foreground to creating commitment or an opportunity to avoid it. Commitment, whether in marriage or long-term partnership, is a weight and responsibility to honour someone else with our life, our love and respect. If we aren’t in a place emotionally to commit to another person, it is deeply unfair to mislead them. We need to be very honest with ourselves before we date. What do we want? Are we ready to date? Is the person we are choosing to date on the same page? I’d not advise bringing up the future on a first date but equally, don’t leave it years. You may not want kids, but they might. You might want marriage but they don’t… are these things you can compromise on or not? If you can’t, maybe it’s better to let that person go…

“Commitment, whether in marriage or long-term partnership, is a weight and responsibility to honour someone else with our life, our love and respect.”

As single girls, we need to love ourselves enough to date wisely and well. We owe it to one another in friendship to be open and transparent about dating. Recently, I started talking to a guy platonically but I still asked mutual friends ‘is this guy legit?’ For me, the relationships I grow are important, I don’t want to be caught out. I don’t want to face a situation where I feel I’m risking my heart or compromising my values. It’s not necessarily a win every time but I’d rather take sensible steps to reduce the damage of letting someone in who isn’t good news.

This way of thinking didn’t come to me in a dream one night. Up until this year I made some really stupid choices but as I’ve loved myself better, invested in good people’s advice, the need to date anyone actually has reduced from an overpowering, overwhelming desire in my life to a quiet whisper. If it happens, it happens. If I meet someone, I meet someone. We don’t need to find completion in another person but rather someone who compliments who we are.

“We don’t need to find completion in another person but rather someone who compliments who we are.”

Let me affirm you from the bottom of my heart that you are special. Regardless of whether or not we find a partner to do life with, we are to hold our heads high and know we have worth. It can be hard drifting in the unknown of when, who, where yet I believe we shouldn’t be waiting in our hearts and heads for a person. Realistically, romantic relationships aren’t a cert so focus on what we have before us. There are promotions to chase, cities to explore, friends to make and a life to love. Dating isn’t the be all and end all. It’s a path, a possibility but one that should never be allowed to define our worth or our value. Don’t let’s starve ourselves on a diet of poor partners, instead focus on living the best life we can for ourselves. If someone can keep up with your incredible life, brings daily kindness and added joy then my friend, I am delighted for you, because you deserve it. In the meantime, don’t you dare settle for anything less.

Dating tips (just FYI)

·      Identify where you’re at in loving yourself

·      Take dating slow and steady. There is absolutely no need to rush anything

·      Charm and character aren’t to be confused

·      Talk honestly to your trusted, wise friends and listen to them

·      Don’t put unnecessary pressure on yourself or your date

·      Find safe spaces to meet a date and tell your friends where you are

·      Do something wholesome together- it will reveal much more than a drink

·      Set emotional boundaries and stick to them

·      Obligation is not in healthy dating vocab- you are under no obligation

·      Be kind but clear, if you’re not into someone don’t leave them hanging

·      Know what’s important to you and learn what’s important to them

·      Don’t feel the need to be lavish on dates, it sets expectation and it’s not reality

·      Share your values and listen to their response, it’ll help determine compatibility

·      Chemistry is awesome but don’t rely on it as the only marker for suitability

That concludes our Self-Love series for now, stay tuned for more Solo..

By @alicecathryndyson