Let the Light In
image: pinterest
Life is so precious isn’t it?
But I have to admit, when I wake up each morning, I don’t always think, wow, a new day! I made it! Sometimes I don’t want a new day to begin, I’d rather stay in bed, hide under the duvet and leave the curtains closed. I remember being small and the fizzy excitement, the impatience for the day to start, the sun might not even be up but I was ready! But as a child, I hadn’t yet experienced the aches and pains of life. I was blissfully unaware with nothing weighing me down.
Yet as I got older, things happened which would change that carefree existence. I found school difficult, relationships were tricky and I struggled with my mental health. Then, in my early 20s, I lost my dad. It was sudden, sharp and then harrowing pain that resonated in so many areas of my life. At a time where I was developing a career, experiencing life, wanting to be normal, it was as if the rug was pulled out from under my feet. I was suddenly saddled with profound grief and I resented it.
Bereavement doesn’t make a lot of sense, at least it didn’t to me. Some days I felt ‘fine’, close to my old self. Other days I just couldn’t muster the strength. I was angry, bewildered, anxious. But throughout it all, something in me knew that faith would carry me, hold me, comfort me. Not that people weren’t kind, my family were incredibly supportive but no one can be available all the time.
Faith, that comfort in the darkness, meant I had something more to hold onto when all the lights seemed to go out.
In developing my faith, I realised in this journey of grief, choices were everything. The choice to wallow in pain, or not. When I wallowed, I became selfish, I became numb to the pain and suffering of my family. However, as I learned to live with my grief, not in my grief, something in me softened. I could empathise, I could hear other people’s stories without desiring to draw into my own well of hurt. Sharing was less of a burden, more of a relief. And that, friends, is the beautiful, bitter-sweet silver lining to grief, that with great loss comes deep compassion- should we choose to embrace it.
It isn’t an easy road but, as softly as I can say it, is that whilst we may have lost something or someone, it does not mean the end. I had a tendency initially towards anger and blame, it was incredibly hard to be forgiving and loving. I imagined those things were beyond my capabilities, but faith implored me to look higher, lift my head, open the curtains, let the light in.
It wasn’t natural but it was right because in choosing forgiveness, love and grace, it meant working towards a life beyond grief, a life of hope and dare I say it, joy.
We can feel like we should never be happy again after losing someone. It seems wrong to celebrate, especially when we were counting on them to be around. But so much of life is outside of our control, and in realising that there is a choice in itself, to live in fear of the ‘what ifs’ or to live in grateful appreciation for every day that we have. Even though I miss my dad and in the quiet moments when I will still allow myself to be sad, I know that there is so much ahead to enjoy, to wonder and marvel at.
The strange, paradoxical beauty of life is that when we lose something precious to us, it makes us more appreciative and not take things for granted.
Whether we are strangers, friends yet to meet, or already in one another’s lives, we are a community of women who want to lift one another up, sharing in life’s successes and sorrows. Life is messy and nonsensical, in this time we are so aware that you each have your stories, and we acknowledge that there may be a lot of pain. Even if we don’t share the same God or faith, we want to support you, love on you, and pray for your peace, your future and comfort.
Grief is so real, so tangible and as we carry on through in this pandemic, we hope you know that there is still light ahead.
Alice xxx
If you’ve lost someone, it’s so important to talk to someone and get the help you need, below are a few websites to support you. Don’t hide away from friends and family who are wanting to shoulder this pain with you, whilst they may not understand, talking to kind, trust-worthy people can be an absolute lifeline.
UK: https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/
Australia: https://griefline.org.au/