The Art of not caring

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“You should just stop caring what people think about you.”

If you’ve never heard this piece of advice before, you’ve either been living on Mars or you’re roommates with Patrick Star. Did a statement ever invite the response, ‘Easier said than done’ quite like this? 

We’re pretty much wired to care what people think about us. And, to be honest, why shouldn’t we? No one is an island. However much we may value solitude at times, we were made for relationship and the deepest desire of the human heart is to be known.

We cannot separate the pursuit of relationship from a degree of concern for what others think about us. BUT (and a big ‘but’ at that) – it gets a bit tricky when we have no way of regulating what exactly it is that we care that they think, or how much we care.

‘Seldom.’

I didn’t get a place at university the year I finished school. The medical school application process is tough; and although I got the grades I needed in the end, my applications had already been unsuccessful.

While most, if not all, of my friends were moving on to bigger and better things, I was back at square one. Apart from FOMO and the disappointment of not getting a place, 18-year-old me shuddered at the thought of what people would think I was doing with my life.

I was already an over-thinker, which didn’t help to say the least. I was the sort of person who’d replay encounters of the day in my head; asking myself how I could have said something so stupid, or convincing myself that because I’d forgotten to say goodbye to someone, they’d hate me forever.

In a nutshell; I was mortified by the rejection, and for a period of time, the shame was pretty crippling.

I knew deep down that punishing myself with the perceived thoughts of others wasn’t doing me any good, but self-pity wanted to have its way. Until one day, I decided enough was enough, and took to Google to enter the following words: “Things to stop doing to yourself.”

As you might expect, an array of colourful suggestions popped up. But amongst the onslaught of content was a single quote, from a single article, and in fact a single word, that stopped me in my tracks:

‘Seldom.’

“You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” - Eleanor Roosevelt.

Wait. What?

An epiphany. A lightbulb moment.

So wait... I’m over here torturing myself about what people think about me... and you mean to tell me... that they don’t even think about me??

What. A. Relief.

When I realised that people weren’t thinking about me nearly as much as I’d imagined, it dawned on me that I didn’t need to feel ashamed about my (in hindsight, only mildly) inconvenient situation.

God’s timing is perfect, and my life is not anyone else’s.

I now knew that a gap year would be good for me, and it no longer mattered what anyone else thought about it. This revelation paved the way for what turned out to be one of the best years of my life.

Is it important?

We all have things we care about – people, causes, beliefs, cats, ideologies, houseplants... the list is endless. A significant part of what makes us the unique individuals we are is the combination of all the things we care about.

What about what people think of us?

Well, first things first – other people seldom think about you. But on the rare occasions that they do... what are the things that you actually care that they think?

Let me re-phrase... what are the areas of your life that invite the most concern about what others think?

How you look? How educated you are? What colour socks you wear? How you treat people? What you had for breakfast? How cool you are? What stage of life you’re in? What you order at a restaurant? How many kids you do or don’t have? How closely your actions align with your beliefs?

I won’t attempt to advise you on what you should or shouldn’t care about; but only to earnestly invite you to take stock and challenge each one.

What’s important to you? How much do these things actually mean to you? How much should they mean to you?

This strange time in history, if anything, has taught us to re-evaluate what truly matters to us.

Is it true?

When it comes to the things that, on evaluation, do matter to me, I do care somewhat about what others think. Not for the sake of their opinion in itself, but only as far as it is a reflection of my truest self.

If an opinion – one that I care about – is negative, and I search myself and find it to be accurate, I want to care enough to work on it. I care if someone thinks I’m rude if it’s because I’ve given them good reason to believe so. I care if someone thinks I’m selfish if it’s because I’ve truly acted selfishly. 

But if it’s negative, and I find little ground for it, then I don’t need to waste my cares on it.

If it’s good and accurate, I want to care enough to keep it up. I care if someone thinks I’m kind only if it’s evidence that I’ve shown genuine kindness. I care if someone thinks I’m loving only if it’s evidence that I’ve shown some degree of love.

But if it’s good, and I find little ground for it... well, I guess I’ll leave you to decide what that means.

All of this requires us to know ourselves; self-awareness and honesty are key. When we learn to be honest with ourselves, the opinions of others cannot hurt us; but they can, at times, teach us – if we’d let them.

The art of not caring

Over time, I‘ve come to accept the truth that the opinions of others literally can’t hurt me – especially if they are trivial or simply untrue. For one thing, a lot of these perceived opinions have been irrational assumptions. And moreover, people really aren’t thinking about me that much! Seldom in fact, as Mrs Roosevelt puts it. 

When it comes to the aforementioned ‘art’, it’s not so much about ‘not caring’ as it is about intentionally deciding what we will, and will not, care about.

So, what do I care about these days?

I care about being the best and most Christ-like version of myself that I can be. At times, the things people think about me can be an indicator of how well I’m doing; but ultimately, I don’t live my life to please people. I have an audience of one, and that’s Jesus. I am the happiest, free-est, truest, most unapologetic version of Christine, when my sole concern is to live for Him. What does that look like? Examining my life to see whether the following can be found: “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!” (Galatians‬ 5:22-23‬).

What about you? What do you care about? What will you care about?

So much love, Christine xo