Honest Dating

There is no doubt about it, dating can be a tricky beast to navigate, even worse in a Lockdown!

But no matter how our technology changes and shifts, the human condition doesn’t change. Our parents most probably had the same hang-ups and insecurities as we do today, from our looks to how another person perceives us, the exciting, nervous bubble when we start something new to the crushing disappointment of it ending. Even with the aid of numerous apps designed to help us be more successful in dating, to point us in the right direction, things can still be just as nuanced.

I’ve often assumed that dating is about performance, a full face of artfully applied make-up, great hair, and some intelligent conversation. But the problem with this is that from the start, the date isn’t about the other person, it’s about me. It’s about me showing myself off like a prize saying to someone (like in Anchorman!) ‘Hey everyone, come see how good I look!’ I want to impress this new person, create conversations they want more of and so if the date fails to launch, it leaves me feeling bruised, irritated and confused.

By putting so much onto someone else as to how they receive us, we forget what a date is.

It’s a learning, an understanding about the other person, and that my friend, takes time, it takes open questions, meaningful conversation that helps to build a picture of truth, not vanity. If two people are both trying to dazzle one another with their best self, when the glamour wears off and reality sets in, what’s left? And that leads to the ultimate question, what’s the purpose in dating…is it to really meet someone special or is it to make ourselves feel better, to make ourselves feel less insecure?

I’ve often become a chameleon when I date because I used to be afraid of the real me. Past hurts, traumas lead me into this mindset that these parts of me are so deeply unattractive they’re sure to repel anyone worthwhile…but that isn’t true. Whilst we should be mindful of our emotional boundaries, keeping our hearts safe I remember on a first date last year talking about how positive and helpful I found therapy. To my surprise, the man said that he too had found therapy worthwhile and it went on to a great conversation about the work we were both doing on ourselves.

No one is perfect, appearances as my friend Christine says so rightly, are just that.

You may be an intellect, you may be a boss, you may be a number of great, worthwhile things but those aren’t the full measure of you. Those things can be found on a LinkedIn page, on your dating profile, and no doubt they will come up in conversation, but a date is the time to suss out the other person. After all, if we are so preoccupied with making sure they “know” how great we are, we probably aren’t giving ourselves the space to suss out our date. What are they about? Are there red flags? Are they demonstrating shared values? 

The more relaxed we are about dating, the less painful the experience.

We often put so much pressure on a date to be a success, the reality can be crushing. When we relax, when we don’t put on the pressure, that’s often where we find someone worthwhile. If someone isn’t interested, it’s actually okay and it’s a good thing. It means someone has figured out that on some level, that to continue seeing one another isn’t going to work for them. Sure, they may not be kind enough to tell you but if the signs of interest disappear, don’t waste your time trying to figure things out. Just breathe, take the hint, don’t chase them. Your worth, how beautiful and interesting you are after all, is not dependant or found in someone who barely knows you. As the song goes…let it go!

Healthy dating looks like;

- Having realistic expectations of yourself and of them

- Knowing it isn’t all about looks, accolades and material attraction

- Setting strong emotional and physical boundaries, respecting theirs

- Talking to your trusted friends, be candid

- Trusting your instincts, if you’re not feeling comfortable, listen!

- Knowing realistically what you want and not settling for less

- Being kind, if you’re not interested, be honest

By Alice Dyson