Confessions in the Dark
image by @laure.claire
Freedom is a wondrous thing; to explore and adventure across the world without answering to anybody, to see your loved ones without compromise, the ability to be a great friend, worker, boss, academic or visionary. Singleness takes a number of different shapes and forms. It cultivates our capacity to lead an exceptional life that is full of impact. But I think most of us, deep-down or openly in our singleness have desire for someone to be close to us, to have intimacy, to be understood, romanced, valued beyond friendship and family. I know I do.
Because it is hard sometimes isn’t it? There is no dressing it up. It is hard to be single when your friends are in meaningful partnerships. The amount of wedding dress adverts that come up on my social media feed seems to be a consistent reminder of my relationship status! My singleness is a real rollercoaster, it can be an absolute blast and I can be having the time of my life one minute, followed by the darkest, most isolating episodes of self-loathing anxiety the next. The fear of perhaps never having children, the idea of being alone in old age…in the light they are things my mind skips over but, in the night, when my mind is still they are worries often difficult to dismiss.
I cannot pretend I have every answer to navigating singleness, because I don’t, nor necessarily how to escape the darkness, it’ll look different to everyone. What I do know is that we have to be careful in who we are vulnerable with in the shadowy times. I’ve been foolish in sharing my anxieties with the wrong people and it has led to unnecessary heart-ache. Life-partnerships and singleness are totally different playing fields, each with their own challenges, joys and griefs. It would be wrong for me to comment too deeply, or speculate over life partnerships as a single person. And for someone who has not been single in adulthood, the same is true.
The best advice I could offer is to always find good people. Find people you can be honest with who will love you through the tough moments and who won’t write off your struggles with being single as insignificant. Secondly, don’t feel guilty for feeling. When our friends may be sleep deprived from their kids or maybe they had an argument with their partner and you’re unsure of whether you should even be upset about not having someone special, just remember just because your struggle is different, doesn’t mean it’s not legitimate. Our hearts are fragile places and we need to be careful with who we share ourselves with.
If you’re struggling with singleness, it’s okay. I hear you. But try not to let your singleness be your fixation or your excuse in life. I’ve let it affect me in so many ways over the years which has been counter-productive, unhealthy or even dangerous. We can struggle, have our bad days but your singleness, my singleness, does not define us. From one single girl to another, you are worth more than your relationship status.
