Hurting Hearts
There have been a handful of times where someone has stopped me in my tracks. I remember a group of women who were so incredibly stylish my jaw literally dropped to the floor. But I also remember the first time I saw Edward*. He was tall, slim and whilst not conventionally handsome, he had this assured confidence that I was instantly drawn to. I don’t really believe in love at first sight but it was the nearest I’ve ever come to it.
“I don’t really believe in love at first sight but it was the nearest I’ve ever come to it.”
I wish I could tell you our romance was linear, that it was instantly reciprocated, well it wasn’t. It would be some months before he acknowledged my existence. What followed was one of the most impacting relationships of my life to date and for the most part it wasn’t great. There were times he would be kind but generally he was a closed-off person. He wasn’t a bad person but just no good for me. And so, when it (inevitably) ended, I was an emotional wreck. I poured my heart and soul into this man only to find myself picking up a bruised, battered heart. My friends had warned me, they’d done their best. But how many of us want to listen to those close to us when we meet someone who seems to change everything? My whole existence just longed for his love, affection and kindness. Truth was he couldn’t be that person because he wasn’t able to. I was devastated because of my hope he would change.
Significant heart-break often gets a shrug. Plenty more fish in the sea, after all. I think there’s a slightly unreasonable expectation that we should be fine as quickly as possible. There is a process and that looks different for everyone yet grief is so much apart of it. Losing someone through death is one thing but when someone you love chooses to walk away or else pushes you away through behaviour, there is a lack of compassion to understand the depth of rejection that causes. When I broke it off with Edward, I can’t tell you the mixed feelings I felt. Even if something is ‘for the best’, it doesn’t make it any more palatable. Any less hard to work out. Sometimes you feel fine, other times you feel as though part of you has withered away.
“Significant heart-break often gets a shrug. Plenty more fish in the sea, after all.”
Unfortunately, there is no quick fix to healing a broken heart. Getting a new partner is a distraction and often unkind as hurt people tend to hurt people, as the saying goes. Moving away can be great but we need to know our feelings will follow us, no matter how far away we move. Confronting the emotion, the betrayal, the hurt is painful, it’s a deep wound but for me, it was so necessary to recovery. Calling out your hurt, whether it’s writing it all down, getting a therapist or yoga, however you deal with it, make it a healthy experience. Even if you’re hurting. Temporarily numbing it will only intensify things later on.
Best of all, talk about it to the right people. It’s often hard to trust our judgement especially if things haven’t worked out with a loved one but talking about it to trusted, kind, wise people was an absolute life-saver. I didn’t always follow their advice, I can’t tell you the amount of texts and stupid voice-mails I probably left Edward but as I recovered, I felt the pull less and less. The rose-tinted glasses that made me long for all the happy times were replaced by lens of realism. I could see him clearly for the first time. But I also saw myself.
“The rose-tinted glasses that made me long for all the happy times were replaced by lens of realism.”
You might feel as though someone has destroyed you but we are so much more resilient than that. Feelings often tell us lies and after a relationship, feeling unworthy, undesired and rejected are normal…but they aren’t true. Your worth, my worth cannot be merely anchored to those we love. We need to draw out of ourselves knowledge, trusted and true that we are loved, prized and a beautiful creation. None of us were born with our life partner, we might find them along the way but they are not final note in our story, there are a part of it. If you are hurting, I am sending you my deepest condolences. But this is not the end, this is a new beginning. And you may look back sooner, later, however long it takes and realise just how enough you are, all by yourself. xo
(*names have been changed)
